Mandarin Orange Crispy Chick'n = Good

Aaaaahhhh another few months of craziness, another lapse in reviews. But believe me, those months have had me try all sorts of exciting veg*n products, many of which you'll get to read about here! Are you as pumped as I am?! Bah, whatever - let's get into it.

As you may have noticed, Gardein has been quietly coming to the forefront of the faux-meat product scene. And that makes me super-happy. They're not sticking with the same old veggie-dog/veggie-burger/veggie-slice formula at all (I'm looking at you again, Yves!). Gardein is offering veg*ns a variety of amazing, quasi-gourmet options, and they should be commended for their creativity at the very least. No, they're not always entirely successful (I tried a truly bizarre faux-beef/rice combo of theirs a few months ago, and let's just say it wasn't pretty), but they are clearly putting in an effort for their customers - and I, for one, appreciate it.

So. One of their newest products is the Mandarin Orange Crispy Chick'n. I can't even tell you how happy I was when I saw this in the frozen foods section at my local grocery store. Right away I thought of this crappy chain Chinese restaurant that I used to always go to (before my veggie days) at a mall near my hometown. Okay wait - that doesn't sound like any reason to be happy, does it. Be patient and let me explain! So yeah - crappy Chinese restaurant. When I was an omnivore, I used to lovelovelove to get this combo plate of fried rice, mixed vegetables, and orange chicken. It was so freaking good. Every time I go to that mall and pass that stupid place, I think, "Oh jeebus, what I wouldn't give for some nasty-delicious orange chicken right now." And then I gather up my strength and walk on by and get a (kinda dissatisfying) falafel or something. I've been doing this for like nine years now. But falafel no more! I've got my own orange chick'n now, b*tches!

The mandarin chick'n comes in a pouch with the faux-meat pre-breaded and a separate sauce packet enclosed. I should note that the size of the pouch of chick'n is misleading in the way a bag of chips is - it looks huge on the shelf, and then you get home and open it up and it's half empty. But anyway. So you fry up however much chick'n you want (I cooked the whole bag even though I was eating alone. Be quiet! My stomach was crying, "Ohhhhhh ooooorange chiiiiiicken, I've miiiissed you baaaby," and I had to appease it) - then you stir in the sauce and you're ready to eat.

The breaded chick'n itself was awesome. It had a great flavour and texture, the way most of Gardein's products do. I probably could have eaten the faux-meat by itself, sans sauce, and I would have been satisfied. With the sauce, it was still pretty good. I found it a little watery, and it had this sort of stanky edge to it (almost like balsamic vinegar or something), but not in a totally offensive way. According to the ingredients list on the package, there are a couple of different types of vinegar in it, so that's probably why. I would have preferred it if the sauce was thicker and sweeter and less stanky, but overall I'm a happy camper - and I will buy this product again!

I paid $4.99 Cdn for the pouch, but I think prices vary a little bit from store to store. This is a vegan product, so pretty much everyone can try it. Let me know if you do!

Product and nutritional info: http://www.gardein.com/products.php?t=frozen&p=32

Cheese = Ugly

Aaaaaaugh this review has been a long time coming. And it's an ugly one - so ugly. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Galaxy Nutritional Foods' Veggie Slices. They are thick. They are orange. They are jiggly. And they are nasty. They are also part of the reason why I am now a vegetarian rather than a vegan.

Let me take you back eight years or so, when I was a fledgling, newly-hatched little veggie warrior. When I stopped eating meat, I went balls-out and became a full-on vegan, rather than easing my way into vegetarianism. No milk products, no egg products, nothing. And I was woefully underprepared. I started having crazy cravings for cheese, any kind of cheese, even those Kraft singles that I never liked to begin with. Having found soy milk and other soy products to be tolerable, I thought soy cheese would be okay too. And I noticed that pretty much every grocery store across Ontario - even crappy ones that didn't have so much as a veggie dog in their coolers - carried some of Galaxy's products.

Giving their cheese a quick once-over, it seemed innocuous enough. At the time of my first purchase (side note - 12 slices usually cost $4 0r $5 Canadian), I unfortunately didn't know as much about hidden animal ingredients as I do now, and had no clue that this soy cheese contains casein, a non-vegan milk protein. To be honest, I always thought to myself, "Why the hell would anyone who doesn't object to the use of milk want to buy soy cheese? And why would a company manufacturing non-milk cheese use a milk ingredient in it?" I realize now that non-veg*ns who are lactose intolerant might want to buy soy cheese, but I'm still not completely sure why Galaxy puts casein in this stuff. And apparently they do make a true vegan cheese now, but it's nowhere near as widely available as this one... I've actually never seen it at any grocery store, only online. Weird.

Aaaanyway - in addition to the cheese having questionable ingredients, it tastes really freaking gross. The slices admittedly look much like Kraft cheese slices, all woobly and orange and stuff (which is nasty in and of itself), but the similarities end there. Not that Kraft slices are awesome or anything, but at least they melt and taste moderately cheesy. The Galaxy slices never really melt. I found this strange, given that the package says something about them having a "gourmet melt". What does that even mean?! Maybe it's a euphemism for, "Yes, you can get them warm, but that's about it." Don't bother trying to make a grilled cheese with them... you'll be hard-pressed to get the bread to stick together, seriously. And if you do what I did, which is to throw down your spatula and say, "Screw it, I'm eating this toasted bread with weird orange sh*t loosely placed in the middle anyway," do yourself a favour and have a trash can nearby. You do not want to punish yourself by taking more than one experimental bite. Hell, I'm writing this to tell you not to even take that first bite! Just say no.

Since I've typically had no other soy cheese options available, I will admit I bought this crap more than once - always motivated by cheese-craving-induced insanity. Then I found out it wasn't vegan anyway, and got kind of angry. And thennnn I thought, "Why am I making myself so unhappy?" I know there are a lot of people out there who won't necessarily agree with me on this, and your opinion is valid, but over time I came to decide that I don't really object morally to the consumption of animal milk anyway; when created responsibly, no one has to suffer or die for it. So I chucked Galaxy's slices out the window and haven't looked back.

Product and nutritional info: http://www.galaxyfoods.com/galaxy-products/soy-cheese/veggie-2/veggie-slices/

Bacon = (Sorta) Good

Wow, it's been a long time since the last review. Let's just say this has been an interesting year filled with job changes, a few cross-continental moves, and more. But it's time to get back down to business, kids! And by business, I mean bacon business. Yes, I may have found a decent bacon-replacement product in Morningstar Farms' Bacon Strips! Well... they're better than Yves's anyway.

I actually only bought the bacon after I was foiled (yet again) in my attempt to purchase the Morningstar Farms corn dogs. WTF, man?! Are they really so good that people everywhere are buying them up before I can? Or have they - horrifyingly - been discontinued? I need to do some further investigation. So yeah, I was staring forlornly into the veggie frozen goods section at Target, hoping that the corn dogs would just magically appear from the great unknown, when I saw the bacon strips amid the stacks of boxes of faux-ribs (which are also not bad and should be reviewed some time), burgers, etc. I was reeeeeally not expecting much, since my past experiences with faux-bacon have tended toward the rubbery and overly smoky, but picked them up anyway and hoped for the best.

As with the corn dogs, there's not a whole lot of nutritional value to the bacon. I think Morningstar Farms could help themselves (and their customers) by injecting a vitamin or two here and there into their products, no? Althooooough, maybe the vitamins are what is making Yves's products a little lacklustre. Hmm. Maybe I should just take vapid deliciousness for what it is, and quit expecting to get my daily intake of iron and B12 in one little strip of faux-meat? Probably. It just irks me to see a company plastering promises of healthiness on all of their packaging, when by healthiness they only mean that their products have a lower fat content than the animal-filled alternatives. Meh.

So onto the actual food experience. The strips are comparable to Yves's strips in that they look truly, hilariously artificial. They are cut into perfect rectangles, roughly the length and width of a standard bookmark. They are mostly a translucent cream colour with swirls of red painted on them. Where they really differ from the Yves strips, however, is in their thickness. They are cut very thin, which does give them a slightly more realistic and less bologna-esque consistency.

You can microwave or fry them, but I chose to fry them (in a buttload of oil) in an attempt to bring out a more authentic bacon-ness. I think this was a good idea, though I'm pretty sure I overcooked a few pieces, making them a little too dry and crunchy, with the overall palatal impression making them comparable to those Munchos chips. You know? Sort of airy and bland and crunchy, but in an inoffensive way. The strips that I didn't overcook still had some crunch, but a little chewiness too. So fairly balanced. Aaaand they weren't crazily smoky, which made me happy. Overall, they made a pretty satisfying addition to my breakfast, and I think I will buy them again!

They cost about $4 US (which, for you Canadians out there, is a steal given our strong dollar at the moment - yaaay), and I think they are actually only available in the States right now, like the rest of the Morningstar product line. Seriously, somebody get this stuff across the border! (Especially the corn dogs though. I'm dying here.)

Product and nutritional info: http://www.morningstarfarms.com/products_veggie-bacon-strips.aspx