Mandarin Orange Crispy Chick'n = Good

Aaaaahhhh another few months of craziness, another lapse in reviews. But believe me, those months have had me try all sorts of exciting veg*n products, many of which you'll get to read about here! Are you as pumped as I am?! Bah, whatever - let's get into it.

As you may have noticed, Gardein has been quietly coming to the forefront of the faux-meat product scene. And that makes me super-happy. They're not sticking with the same old veggie-dog/veggie-burger/veggie-slice formula at all (I'm looking at you again, Yves!). Gardein is offering veg*ns a variety of amazing, quasi-gourmet options, and they should be commended for their creativity at the very least. No, they're not always entirely successful (I tried a truly bizarre faux-beef/rice combo of theirs a few months ago, and let's just say it wasn't pretty), but they are clearly putting in an effort for their customers - and I, for one, appreciate it.

So. One of their newest products is the Mandarin Orange Crispy Chick'n. I can't even tell you how happy I was when I saw this in the frozen foods section at my local grocery store. Right away I thought of this crappy chain Chinese restaurant that I used to always go to (before my veggie days) at a mall near my hometown. Okay wait - that doesn't sound like any reason to be happy, does it. Be patient and let me explain! So yeah - crappy Chinese restaurant. When I was an omnivore, I used to lovelovelove to get this combo plate of fried rice, mixed vegetables, and orange chicken. It was so freaking good. Every time I go to that mall and pass that stupid place, I think, "Oh jeebus, what I wouldn't give for some nasty-delicious orange chicken right now." And then I gather up my strength and walk on by and get a (kinda dissatisfying) falafel or something. I've been doing this for like nine years now. But falafel no more! I've got my own orange chick'n now, b*tches!

The mandarin chick'n comes in a pouch with the faux-meat pre-breaded and a separate sauce packet enclosed. I should note that the size of the pouch of chick'n is misleading in the way a bag of chips is - it looks huge on the shelf, and then you get home and open it up and it's half empty. But anyway. So you fry up however much chick'n you want (I cooked the whole bag even though I was eating alone. Be quiet! My stomach was crying, "Ohhhhhh ooooorange chiiiiiicken, I've miiiissed you baaaby," and I had to appease it) - then you stir in the sauce and you're ready to eat.

The breaded chick'n itself was awesome. It had a great flavour and texture, the way most of Gardein's products do. I probably could have eaten the faux-meat by itself, sans sauce, and I would have been satisfied. With the sauce, it was still pretty good. I found it a little watery, and it had this sort of stanky edge to it (almost like balsamic vinegar or something), but not in a totally offensive way. According to the ingredients list on the package, there are a couple of different types of vinegar in it, so that's probably why. I would have preferred it if the sauce was thicker and sweeter and less stanky, but overall I'm a happy camper - and I will buy this product again!

I paid $4.99 Cdn for the pouch, but I think prices vary a little bit from store to store. This is a vegan product, so pretty much everyone can try it. Let me know if you do!

Product and nutritional info: http://www.gardein.com/products.php?t=frozen&p=32

Cheese = Ugly

Aaaaaaugh this review has been a long time coming. And it's an ugly one - so ugly. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Galaxy Nutritional Foods' Veggie Slices. They are thick. They are orange. They are jiggly. And they are nasty. They are also part of the reason why I am now a vegetarian rather than a vegan.

Let me take you back eight years or so, when I was a fledgling, newly-hatched little veggie warrior. When I stopped eating meat, I went balls-out and became a full-on vegan, rather than easing my way into vegetarianism. No milk products, no egg products, nothing. And I was woefully underprepared. I started having crazy cravings for cheese, any kind of cheese, even those Kraft singles that I never liked to begin with. Having found soy milk and other soy products to be tolerable, I thought soy cheese would be okay too. And I noticed that pretty much every grocery store across Ontario - even crappy ones that didn't have so much as a veggie dog in their coolers - carried some of Galaxy's products.

Giving their cheese a quick once-over, it seemed innocuous enough. At the time of my first purchase (side note - 12 slices usually cost $4 0r $5 Canadian), I unfortunately didn't know as much about hidden animal ingredients as I do now, and had no clue that this soy cheese contains casein, a non-vegan milk protein. To be honest, I always thought to myself, "Why the hell would anyone who doesn't object to the use of milk want to buy soy cheese? And why would a company manufacturing non-milk cheese use a milk ingredient in it?" I realize now that non-veg*ns who are lactose intolerant might want to buy soy cheese, but I'm still not completely sure why Galaxy puts casein in this stuff. And apparently they do make a true vegan cheese now, but it's nowhere near as widely available as this one... I've actually never seen it at any grocery store, only online. Weird.

Aaaanyway - in addition to the cheese having questionable ingredients, it tastes really freaking gross. The slices admittedly look much like Kraft cheese slices, all woobly and orange and stuff (which is nasty in and of itself), but the similarities end there. Not that Kraft slices are awesome or anything, but at least they melt and taste moderately cheesy. The Galaxy slices never really melt. I found this strange, given that the package says something about them having a "gourmet melt". What does that even mean?! Maybe it's a euphemism for, "Yes, you can get them warm, but that's about it." Don't bother trying to make a grilled cheese with them... you'll be hard-pressed to get the bread to stick together, seriously. And if you do what I did, which is to throw down your spatula and say, "Screw it, I'm eating this toasted bread with weird orange sh*t loosely placed in the middle anyway," do yourself a favour and have a trash can nearby. You do not want to punish yourself by taking more than one experimental bite. Hell, I'm writing this to tell you not to even take that first bite! Just say no.

Since I've typically had no other soy cheese options available, I will admit I bought this crap more than once - always motivated by cheese-craving-induced insanity. Then I found out it wasn't vegan anyway, and got kind of angry. And thennnn I thought, "Why am I making myself so unhappy?" I know there are a lot of people out there who won't necessarily agree with me on this, and your opinion is valid, but over time I came to decide that I don't really object morally to the consumption of animal milk anyway; when created responsibly, no one has to suffer or die for it. So I chucked Galaxy's slices out the window and haven't looked back.

Product and nutritional info: http://www.galaxyfoods.com/galaxy-products/soy-cheese/veggie-2/veggie-slices/

Bacon = (Sorta) Good

Wow, it's been a long time since the last review. Let's just say this has been an interesting year filled with job changes, a few cross-continental moves, and more. But it's time to get back down to business, kids! And by business, I mean bacon business. Yes, I may have found a decent bacon-replacement product in Morningstar Farms' Bacon Strips! Well... they're better than Yves's anyway.

I actually only bought the bacon after I was foiled (yet again) in my attempt to purchase the Morningstar Farms corn dogs. WTF, man?! Are they really so good that people everywhere are buying them up before I can? Or have they - horrifyingly - been discontinued? I need to do some further investigation. So yeah, I was staring forlornly into the veggie frozen goods section at Target, hoping that the corn dogs would just magically appear from the great unknown, when I saw the bacon strips amid the stacks of boxes of faux-ribs (which are also not bad and should be reviewed some time), burgers, etc. I was reeeeeally not expecting much, since my past experiences with faux-bacon have tended toward the rubbery and overly smoky, but picked them up anyway and hoped for the best.

As with the corn dogs, there's not a whole lot of nutritional value to the bacon. I think Morningstar Farms could help themselves (and their customers) by injecting a vitamin or two here and there into their products, no? Althooooough, maybe the vitamins are what is making Yves's products a little lacklustre. Hmm. Maybe I should just take vapid deliciousness for what it is, and quit expecting to get my daily intake of iron and B12 in one little strip of faux-meat? Probably. It just irks me to see a company plastering promises of healthiness on all of their packaging, when by healthiness they only mean that their products have a lower fat content than the animal-filled alternatives. Meh.

So onto the actual food experience. The strips are comparable to Yves's strips in that they look truly, hilariously artificial. They are cut into perfect rectangles, roughly the length and width of a standard bookmark. They are mostly a translucent cream colour with swirls of red painted on them. Where they really differ from the Yves strips, however, is in their thickness. They are cut very thin, which does give them a slightly more realistic and less bologna-esque consistency.

You can microwave or fry them, but I chose to fry them (in a buttload of oil) in an attempt to bring out a more authentic bacon-ness. I think this was a good idea, though I'm pretty sure I overcooked a few pieces, making them a little too dry and crunchy, with the overall palatal impression making them comparable to those Munchos chips. You know? Sort of airy and bland and crunchy, but in an inoffensive way. The strips that I didn't overcook still had some crunch, but a little chewiness too. So fairly balanced. Aaaand they weren't crazily smoky, which made me happy. Overall, they made a pretty satisfying addition to my breakfast, and I think I will buy them again!

They cost about $4 US (which, for you Canadians out there, is a steal given our strong dollar at the moment - yaaay), and I think they are actually only available in the States right now, like the rest of the Morningstar product line. Seriously, somebody get this stuff across the border! (Especially the corn dogs though. I'm dying here.)

Product and nutritional info: http://www.morningstarfarms.com/products_veggie-bacon-strips.aspx

Crispy Tenders = Bad

Todaaaay we're going to take a look at Gardein's Seven Grain Crispy Tenders. Yes, unfortunately, they are kind of bad. This will undoubtedly surprise those of you who have tried their other products, but I promise to explain.

Overall, I love Gardein. They are a wonderful company and offer some fabulous animal-free foods (for instance, their Chick'n Filets are delectable and approximate the taste and texture of real chicken better than any other faux-meat I've ever eaten. And you know I've tried more than my share!). The president/founder of Gardein was actually the creator of Yves Veggie Cuisine, which he sold several years ago, and apparently also marketed North America's very first veggie dog more than 20 years ago - Amazing! He also has contributed to PC's Blue Menu product line (which will prove ironic in a moment or two, if you'll bear with me). So Gardein has emerged from a long history of pro-veggie entrepreneurship, which I admire and appreciate.

But it just happens to be the case that they got things wrong with the Crispy Tenders (vegan chicken nuggets/strips). I had very high hopes for them, given Gardein's super-duper track record, but they were just dry and pretty flavourless. I cooked them using different methods (baking, microwaving, and even frying), and they came out marginally more moist when I shortened the cooking time, but that didn't make up for their blandness. Pluuuuus they're a little expensive (typically around $7 Canadian, though I got them on sale for $4-something at an organic grocery store one day), and their nutritional value (other than being low-fat) is unremarkable.

I wouldn't say the tenders are full-on ugly, since I do respect the company's history and the work they do, and it's great that the product is certified vegan and the taste isn't completely vomitous, just plain. But when there are better options out there, plain don't cut it!

Speaking of better options, here comes the irony! (No, it's not that exciting, but anyway.) Another one of the reasons why I had hoped that the tenders would be yummy was because the PC Blue Menu ones are INCREDIBLE. I might even like them better than I used to like real chicken strips. So what's up, Mr. Gardein Man?! If you worked on the Blue Menu stuff, why aren't the Gardein strips just as good (especially since they are more expensive)? Well, maybe I'll never get the answer to that, but I guess I'll just continue to buy the PC strips (and give them the full review they deserve) rather than these ones.

Product and nutritional info: http://www.gardein.com/products.php?t=frozen&p=4

Cordon Verde = Ugly

As I mentioned in the earlier programming note, I recently relocated to Brazil. And not just anywhere in Brazil, but the southernmost state of Rio Grande do Sul, which is renowned for its churrasco (Brazilian barbecue). Sooo I am really out of my element here in the state capital of Porto Alegre, deep in cow-land, and am often looked at a little funny when I ask for things sem carne (without meat). But I am managing! Surprisingly, wonderfully, there is a small veggie scene here with a few great restaurants and some soy products at the grocery stores.

So far, unfortunately, the availability of said soy products has been sporadic at best. I once found veggie dogs at one grocery store, but haven't seen them there since. Sometimes the stores stock veggie burgers, sometimes they don't. But one company that always seems to have at least a veg*n product or two available at every grocery store is Perdigão.

Perdigão doesn't just make vegetarian products; they also make a range of meat products and frozen entrées, which I believe are more popular here than are their veggie options. But no matter - I am glad they offer animal-free options at all! So I was passing by their rather large section of frozen goods one day when the words proteína de soja (soy protein) jumped out at me. They were on a box of a product called Cordon Verde Vegetal ("Vegetable Cordon Green" instead of "Cordon Bleu" - cute).

The ingredients listed included no animal products whatsoever - nice! - and a decent amount of protein/etc., so I grabbed the box and headed on my merry way. Once home, I followed the microwave instructions for preparing an individual portion. The listed cooking time seemed kind of lengthy for one small filet, but I figured Perdigão knew their stuff better than I would, so I did exactly as told.

Aaaand the cordon verde came out terrible. Oh so very terrible. The crumbly breaded exterior had now hardened into firm little pebbles. It took a good steak knife and a few Portuguese curse words to cut through the filet, and when I finally managed it, the gooey, creamy interior that I had expected turned out to have dried out completely. (Remember that scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, where they cut open in the turkey and a sort of dry cough of smoke puffs out? It was like that.) The sauce apparently disappeared and became part of one grey sandy mass. But I was not to be defeated! I sawed through my little cordon verde and ground my teeth through at least five or six bites. (And then I gave up.)

The most reasonable conclusion would be that I simply overcooked the product, no? It would seem that I simply had to adjust my cooking time! After all, from what I could taste of it, there was nothing overtly offensive about the flavouring. So I later grabbed another one, microwaved for about half the listed time, and hoped for the best. No dice. The cordon verde was admittedly much more moist this time, but the texture was still very strange, the sauce was generally indistinguishable from the veggie-meat, and the flavour was salty-bland at best.

So... Will I buy this again? I wish I could say no, but given my quasi-limited options at the moment, I might not have a choice! At least it was vegan, affordable, and mostly nutritious. Maybe if I cover it in some ketchup it'll be more bearable. I'll let you know.

Product and nutrition info: http://www.perdigao.com.br/comidadeverdade/_produtosDetalhes.cfm?produto=120

Curry = Good

Guess what, everyone? We finally have our first good TV dinner review! (As in the dinner was good, not just the review. The reviews are always good, right? RIGHT.) Yup, Helen's Kitchen managed it with their Thai Yellow Curry. I am actually looking at the empty container for it right now and marvelling at how good it was.

Today's lunch break involved yet another meander through grocery store aisles with my wonderfully patient co-worker friend. Seriously, these trips can be major ordeals. I had a drink, bun, and yogurt in my basket but could not decide on a main course. Salad? Soup? Or did I dare venture back into that crap-riddled freezer that is home to so much grossness? I was feeling brave so I decided to go for it.

I'd been eyeing Helen's Kitchen's dinners for awhile, because they offer quite a range of veg*n organic products (and because I love the company name, *teehee*), but I always shied away because of the price ($6.99 Canadian - *gulp*). But today I threw caution to the wind (I did pick up a second job recently; maybe I can splurge here and there on a TV dinner or two) and grabbed the yellow curry, if only because its package was the most colourful.

And back to the office we went. I microwaved dutifully, stirred everything up, and took a bite. It was good! Yes! And not just passable, either - It was actual, honest-to-goodness good. Sweet, spicy, tangy, and filling. It was some kind of mix of vegetables and tofu on a bed of rice, so it's actually a nice balanced meal with lots of protein and nutrients. It is vegan, so no worries about searching for strange little remnants of animals! It kind of has a lot of saturated fat (5 grams, which is apparently 25% of your maximum daily recommended intake?), but no trans-fat (whatever that means).

So because I don't care tooooo too much about fat, I will probably buy this again, when I have a little extra pocket change. $7 really is a lot for one little TV dinner. Given the fact that I see my co-workers with Michelina's that they paid like $1 for, I'm a bit scandalized. Well, a girl's gotta pay for the good stuff, I guess!

Product and nutrition info: http://www.helensfoods.com/meals.shtml (scroll down to Thai Yellow Curry)

Sandwich = Good

I have a confession to make, my dears. I used to lovelovelove KFC. And what's more, it is the animal food that I miss the most. This may be due in part to the fact that it was the last meat that I consumed before becoming a vegetarian? Je ne sais pas. But yes, I have missed all of that greasy, fried, breaded goodness. And so, when I heard that KFC was coming out with a vegetarian sandwich, I damn near pooped my pants in joy. I waited and waited for the sandwich to make its way to my local KFC. And when it finally arrived, I booted my ass over to buy a combo meal.

Man oh man, is this thing good. I probably devoured it in under a minute. And I am a notoriously slow eater. I had wished that the breading was more like their crispy chicken, but whatever. The texture was awesome, the taste was satisfying, and they dressed the sandwich exactly like their regular chicken sandwiches (soft white bun, mayo, iceberg lettuce). I am kind of drooling just thinking about it.

The vegetarian sandwich costs about the same as their classic sandwich. It is cooked in vegetable oil, which makes me very happy. Now, the only thing is, I cannot find nutritional information for this bad boy anywhere. From the articles I've read, it seems that it is vegetarian and not vegan (despite people describing it as vegan, I'm sure eggs and/or milk are in the sauce and probably the bun), but I've found little else. KFC did work with PETA on it, however, so I am trusting that much - especially since PETA has been so vocally anti-KFC in the past.

In many ways I feel bad purchasing anything at KFC at all, as I feel about most fast food restaurants, since I don't really want to support an establishment that is responsible for so much use of dead animals. But I have come to think that it's a good thing to buy the vegetarian options at such restaurants. I think that the more people buy, the more that these places will view vegetarian items as viable, profitable foods to have on their menus. And maybe eventually the more vegetarian items they sell, the fewer meat items they will sell, which could be a nice big step toward a more animal-friendly world.

So. I know the lack of info = bad and KFC = kinda sketch, but deliciousness = good and animal-friendliness = good too! To my American friends: I don't think the sandwich is available in the US (yet), so you're going to have to stop by one of our KFCs up here while you're shopping for végépâté and Yves' products and stuff. You won't be disappointed!

Related articles:
http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1P3-1515295681.html
http://blog.peta.org/archives/2008/07/tastes_like_chi_1.php

Shepherd's Pie = Bad

I love Le Commensal, a chain of vegetarian restaurants that has several locations across the province of Québec (and which I believe has recently spread to Ontario as well, with one restaurant in Toronto). They offer a diverse range of delicious veg*n dishes, served up buffet-style, in a cozy and inviting environment. My first experience with Commensal was in Québec City, right in Old Québec, and I was delighted from my first step in the door. They have salads and hot dishes and desserts and more! You pay by the weight of your food! Aaaaand they let you bring your own wine! Wicked.

Aside from their restaurants and offering catering services, Commensal has also branched out into the world of frozen entrées. Yes, we all know that I haven't had much luck with TV dinners in the past (see: ugly manicotti), but loving the Commensal restaurants as I do, I had highhigh hopes. And a couple of the entrées ended up not being too bad at all (I will try to review these at a later date). Sadly this was not the case with their Veggie Shepherd's Pie.

People, I am a sucker for comfort food. I love mashed potatoes, I love corn, and I used to love meat. (I have grown fond of faux-meat in its place. You know how it is.) Given this, and the fact that Commensal rocks in general, you would thiiiink that the shepherd's pie would be a sure-fire hit, no? Well, actually, no. I don't know if it was the particular soy-mix and seasoning they used, or perhaps the flavourless-ness of the mashed potatoes, or the general frozen nature of everything altogether, but it tasted pretty darn bad... Sort of blandly dog food-esque (not that I have eaten dog food, but I can imagine). Plus, this poop was expensive! It was $6-something Canadian (another mid-workday purchase for lunch) for a relatively small serving. I have willingly paid this on more than one occasion for Commensal's other entrées, but since this was crappy, it was kind of a kick in the face.

The shepherd's pie is at least good for you in many ways, with lots of protein and iron and calcium, though it seems to have more fat and sodium than other pre-packaged veg*n products. Also, I should note that it is vegetarian and not vegan. Overall, this ended up being a disappointing product from a company that I know can do better. Maybe if I had brought my own wine to work to drink with it, it would have gone down better? Something tells me that wouldn't go over well with management.

Product and nutrition info: http://www.commensal.com/en/produits/epicerie/repas_indiv_surgel/product41

Sans-poulet hachée = Good

This is actually a product that Boy suggested I review (thank you honey), because he likes it just as much as I do! Amazing. And yes, I chose to title this with the French name for Yves' Veggie Ground Chicken... Not because I'm a snooty-pants or anything, but because I think "sans-poulet" is kind of a better description for something that does not contain a chicken, no? I had actually thought they called it "chick'n", but I guess that was a different company or product. Meh! On to the review.

For a long time I used to buy plain dehydrated TVP (textured vegetable protein) flakes to use as a ground meat substitute. TVP is cheap (you can buy it in bulk) and doesn't taste like anything... You just soak it and stir it into other stuff that tastes like something and hope for the best. But when you've got options like Yves' "chicken", why settle for bland?

Yves' other ground products aren't bad either, but this stuff is definitely the best of what they offer. You don't even really need to add seasoning to it. I could fry this stuff up plain with some veggies and serve it over rice and it would still be delicious. I usually use it in spaghetti sauces and casseroles though, and it makes for a perfect protein-y component of a full meal. It has a super moist/meaty texture (eep - that sounds a little gross but I swear I meant it as a good thing) and I think you could probably roll some sans-poulet balls out of it, or even mash it into patties... It holds together well, though I prefer to keep it crumbled.

Other plusses beyond the obvious yummy ones: It's really good for you (woooo vitamins), contains no saturated or trans fats, is vegan, and is totally affordable ($4-something Canadian for a 340g package). And when you've got a meat-eating boy who not only tolerates it, but actually likes it, how can you go wrong?

Product and nutrition info: http://www.yvesveggie.ca/index.php/products/product/veggie_ground_round_chicken/

Burger = Ugly

So this is the first of what I expect will be several veggie burger reviews. I say this because the standard veg*n option at most restaurants is a burger. (And if they don't have veggie burgers, you end up with a salad, right? Although at one restaurant all they were able to offer me was a plate of boiled cauliflower and carrots. I'm not even joking.) How A&W managed to screw up a simple burger so badly with their Swiss Veggie Deluxe is beyond me, but they did it!

I think the key to a good veggie burger is to keep it simple. Just because I'm a vegetarian doesn't mean that I have completely different taste buds from an omnivore! If A&W had just dressed the patty with a piece of cheddar cheese, and put it on a normal freaking bun, I wouldn't have had much of a problem. No, the portobello and soy patty isn't fantastic, but it isn't all that different from what you usually get.

The real issue is everything they do after cooking the patty. They put it on a dense whole wheat bun (I'm eating at A&W, people! Don't bother trying to health me up. Give me that soft white bun and leave me alone), splooge a thin/runny ranch sauce alllllll over the patty (why ranch??), add a pungent slice of swiss cheese, and top it off with pickles for an added (gross) bonus.

The end result is really quite revolting. The ranch sauce was so plentiful that it soaked through the bun and made the patty fall apart. I'm not great with condiments as it is, and ended up gagging and throwing most of the burger away and eating too many fries to compensate.

There actually came a later day when the only food option nearby was A&W, so with a sigh I decided to order the burger again. This time, I told the cashier that I only wanted the veggie patty with a piece of cheddar cheese on a white bun. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, "I don't understand, that's not what the burger is." I very slowly repeated myself and explained as nicely as possible that I find the dressing/etc. gross. She said, "Well, you're not getting the actual swiss deluxe then." I said that this was fine. When my food was ready, I unwrapped the burger and found that it was still on a whole wheat bun, and still had the swiss cheese, but at least the sauce wasn't there. So it was still quasi-nasty, but at least it held together while I ate it.

In terms of how good/bad this is for you nutritionally... it appears that there is a buttload of sodium in it, but it also has a fair amount of protein and iron, so that's nice. Keep in mind that, even without the cheese (good luck getting the cashier/cook to leave it off!), the burger is vegetarian and not vegan. As a sidenote - I tried but for the life of me could not find a picture of this piece of crap. Maybe the marketing people know just how ugly it really is.

Product and nutrition info: http://www.aw.ca/foodfacts.nsf/listbyref_new/Burgers-15

Deli Slices = Good

Sandwiches are a beautiful thing, no? Whether you're having PB or grilled cheese or toasted tomato or egg salad (or all of the above? Ew, maybe not), they can be simple but so very satisfying. And I make a bad-ass sandwich, people; in my tortured youth I was once a certified Sandwich Artist at Subway (*sigh*) as well as whatever the hell the equivalent title is for someone working at Pita Pit. Yes, I've had a lot of random jobs in my day (you don't want to know about all of them, really), most of which were in food service somehow. I've said it before and I'll say it again - them bills don't pay themselves!

Back to the sandwiches. I'm sure many of my veg*n comrades have faced the same no-lunchmeat issue I have. Sometimes it really sucks to not have an easy ham and cheese. Luckily many companies offer (to varying degrees of success) their own faux-lunchmeats. And I have to say, the Tofurky deli slices line is by far the best. Produced by Turtle Island Foods, Tofurky has been (unfairly) stuck with an infamous reputation in the non-veggie world as some kind of hippy-drippy/flavourless/colourless/blobby imitation turkey. This couldn't be further from the truth. I'll admit that I'm not a huge fan of their full roasts (see: http://vegetariancuisine.suite101.com/article.cfm/tofurkey___friend_or_foe_ ), but their other products have been nothing short of awesome.

The grocery stores around Ottawa only seem to offer the original and hickory-smoked deli slices, though the Tofurky website lists many other varieties, all of which look pretty darn good. I find the original flavour a little boring, so I usually buy the hickory-smoked... It has a great taste and texture. It's really a lot like thinly sliced roasted turkey. The thin slicing is probably one of the best features of Tofurky's line. Other companies (I'm looking at you again, Yves! *shakes fist*) cut their stuff way too thick, and insist upon everything being in unnaturally perfect circles, with seriously odd textures. Tofurky's slices are the complete opposite and I love them for that. I feel like I'm having a real sandwich, not a rubber disk on a bun.

The deli slices are vegan and are full of those oft-elusive vitamins I've mentioned in other reviews. In just a few slices (which, as I said, are very thin), you get half of your daily required B12. They come with a pretty standard price tag too (about $5 Canadian), aaaaand are available in both Canada in the US. I looked into online purchasing, but it seems that they only ship items in bulk. So maybe buying online is intended more for stores and restaurants? That or you can make a wickedly huge sandwich. Mmmm, sign me up.

Product and nutrition info: http://www.tofurky.com/products/delislices.htm

Homemade Marshmallows = Ugly

(Yes, that is an entirely accurate artist's rendering of the marshmallows, and no they did not deserve an actual photograph. Now on to the review. Shush.)

Before I went veggie, I didn't realize just how many foods have gelatin in them. I mean, there was the obvious Jell-o, but other than that I really didn't think about it. In addition, I didn't know that gelatin was such a gross, carcass-filled thing. For those of you who may not know already, gelatin is a glutinous substance that is the result of boiling ligaments, bones, skin, and other leftover parts of dead animals in water. I can't imagine who thought to do this for the first time, and who then decided to use the globby muck to make things like jelly and candy, but they must have been one crazy mofo (Bill Cosby, was that you?!).

Sooo it may have been my lovely veggie friend (see earlier posts) who clued me in, or it may have been some of the books I read before becoming a vegetarian, but luckily I learned quickly about the horrors of gelatin and cut that poop out of my diet right away. Sadly getting rid of gelatin also meant getting rid of Skittles, Starburst, most brands of gummy candy, most yogurts, marshmallows, and more. I happened to become a vegetarian on a beautiful summer day, smack-dab in the middle of prime camping season. And at the time, that meant no roasted marshmallows or s'mores for me - boooo. I found a company online that makes vegan marshmallows (I did eventually purchase these and I promise to review them at some point), but they take kind of a long time to ship and I was in a hurry. So. I looked up a few recipes... Most of them were pretty much the same, with ingredients including sugar, salt, vanilla, water, corn syrup, cornstarch, and most importantly agar (basically the vegan equivalent of gelatin).

You will often see agar and carageenan in vegetarian products that have jelly-ish (not to be confused with jelly-fish! teehee) properties. It was difficult to find agar at a store nearby. I ended up coming across it at a small vegetarian shop in downtown Ottawa, and it was very expensive - about $10 Canadian for a package that was roughly half the size of a small bag of chocolate chips. It was a clear plastic package and the agar looked like tiny translucent white flakes. Luckily you only need very small amounts in most recipes, so at least the purchase wasn't entirely uneconomical.

I swear on all things holy that I followed the recipe instructions to the best of my ability - and I'm not a bad cook! I dutifully soaked a couple of teaspoons of agar in cold water for a while, and meanwhile cooked the other ingredients in a pan on the stove up to what I THOUGHT was the required "firmball stage" (118 degrees Celsius or 244 degrees Fahrenheit). You apparently need to stick a candy thermometer into the mixture to test this. I couldn't find one and therefore tried to use a meat thermometer, which was clearly idiotic since it didn't measure high enough. Supposedly something has reached the firmball stage when you can drop some of it into a glass of water and it forms little balls? I don't know. I guess it was beyond me.

From my understanding, my mixture never reached the firmball point, or maybe just went way past it, because at that temperature you are supposed to pour it over your agar-water mixture and then blend it together with a hand-mixer, and then it will turn into a fluffy white substance, which you pour into a pan, dust with cornstarch, and let sit overnight. It never became puffy and white. It was a greyish, brownish, sticky muck. I loaded it up with cornstarch in a vain attempt to hide its hideousness, but that just made it worse. I tried to cut it into marshmallow shapes, but imagine trying to cut shapes out of something akin to Vaseline. It ain't gonna happen.

Amazingly, dumbfoundingly, the muck tasted a lot like real marshmallows. I don't know why or how. But I couldn't bring myself to eat more than a tablespoon or two. It was too much. And the pan was a royal pain in the arse to clean when I finally got around to it. Ugh. Factoring in the price, the time, the effort, and the insanely disappointing final product, I would say it's a terrible idea to try to make these again. Look at that picture, kids! Look at it and then look at a real marshmallow. Exactly.

Pâté = Good

Don't worry, no geese were overstuffed or otherwise harmed in the writing of this post. Today we are looking at Fontaine Santé's delightful, delectable végépâté!

In all my omnivorous years, I never actually consumed animal pâté, so unfortunately I'm not able to compare the veggie stuff to it. I do, however, have a wonderful and food-savvy friend who is a pretty good judge. She has been a vegetarian for several years longer than I have (and served as one of my inspirations for going veggie), and never liked most meat products anyway - save for pâté! (I can't help but imagine my friend as a prim and fancy little five-year-old, crooking her pinky and demanding pâté, as her parents scramble to bring out the good china, laden with France's finest. This is a ridiculously inaccurate imagining of things, but come on - so cute.) She says that she thinks it was actually the seasoning and texture that she liked about it, so of course she was happy to have encountered the veggie version, and she then turned me onto it.

My impression is that the végépâté is a little nuttier and chunkier than regular pâté, which makes sense since the bulk of it is a sunflower seed paste with other ground vegetables mixed in. I really don't think it was the company's intention to create an imitation pâté per se anyway... This stuff has its own groove and stands very well on its own. I have bought both the traditional and country-style varieties, and I personally prefer the traditional seasoning, but the other kind isn't bad either. I have shared this stuff with omni-friends (including Boy), and they really like it! It is frighteningly easy to scarf down a whole package with a baguette or two.

Aaaand you probably don't want to do that - not just for the fact that it's apparently a dumbass move to eat a whole baguette on your own (whaaat?). The végépâté is obviously intended as a snack or appetizer, not as a significant component of a complete meal. There's not a whole lot of nutritional value to it, though as with many other veg*n products, it is trans-fat free and has no cholesterol. One serving, which is equivalent to a generous 1/4 of a package, contains 100 calories. I'm going to let you all know now that I don't have any kind of formative background in nutrition (shocking, right?), so calorie values and the like mean nothing to me, but I'll let you do what you will with that information.

It's also not a bad price. I believe I paid about $4 Canadian for a 227g package. Since Fontaine Santé is a Canadian company (like Yves Veggie Cuisine), I'm not completely sure if their products are available in the US. Maybe my friends to the south will have to do as I did with the corn dogs, and make a trip across the border. Or we could do a trade! We'll meet in the middle. You bring the dogs, I'll bring the pâté. Awesome.

Product and nutrition info: http://fontainesante.com/wfs_En/Produits_En.php?M=Produit&C=30&F=33&P=90

*Note* I wasn't able to load the official site's full nutritional information, but I found it here: http://www.fatsecret.com/calories-nutrition/fontaine-sante/vegepate

Bacon = Bad

It just doesn't seem right to say that bacon could be anything but delicious, does it. And yet Yves Veggie Cuisine veggie bacon strips have fallen in with the Bad crew here at VTT. Why Yves? Whyyyyyyy?

Look, bacon is another one of those animal products that I still miss. I can't help it. The grease, the fat, the saltiness - everything. When I first looked at the package for Yves' veggie bacon, I of course could already tell that it would never satisfy me in all the ways that piggy bacon once did. As the picture shows, the strips are all the exact same shape, size, and colour. There is also a swirl of a lighter colour on each strip, which I believe is supposed to be analogous to bacon fat, but it really doesn't do anything to help the overall cause. Anyway, they don't even try to hide the insanely unnatural appearance of these babies, which I found a little unusual since companies tend to go all food-porn on us and make their product look like the nectar of the gods. I guess they just couldn't make them look any better.

I bought the strips because I wanted a quick and easy breakfast meat replacement. I really wanted to like them, especially since I enjoy so many of the other products in the Yves line. They were affordable (about $4 Canadian for a 156g package) and the nutritional information was awesome. As I mentioned in my corn dogs review, Yves fortifies all of their products with a buttload of B12 and iron and all of that stuff that veg*ns want to keep an eye on - and the bacon strips are no exception. They have zero cholesterol and next to no fat too. This is all very promising, no? Unfortunately things go downhill from here.

Upon opening the package, I found all of the strips very nearly melded together in one plastic-y bunch. I carefully peeled out a few strips and was not impressed. They look EXACTLY like the picture on the package, swirls and all. The strips are also quite thick, with the smell and feel of cheap bologna. I followed the stovetop cooking instructions (no, I don't have a microwave; I don't have room for one in my studio apartment... there's barely room for Boy and Cat and I), which said to sauté (a euphemism if I ever heard one) the strips in some oil for a couple of minutes on each side. The bologna smell grew stronger. I set them on a plate with my otherwise normal breakfast. I first tried to eat like a human being, using a fork and knife. That didn't work so well, so I ended up eating them with my hands, gnawing off chunks and chewing for a long-ass time in between bites.

They don't taste terrrrrrrible. They really do taste like fried bologna, just slightly sweeter and smokier (and a hell of a lot chewier). I do love that they are healthy and vegan and affordable, and I have admittedly bought them again since the first purchase (though I am always disappointed and end up throwing them out and should just stop). In a race against the real thing, I guess faux bacon strips just can't win.

Product and nutrition info: http://www.yvesveggie.ca/index.php/products/product/veggie_bacon_strips/

Manicotti = Ugly

It had to happen sooner or later. Eat Italian Manicotti is the first of the uglies.

I actually really like the idea and effort behind Eat Italian's product line. Their website and product packaging are styled nicely too. I am guessing the available range of quality gluten-free products is somewhat limited, and this company has attempted to create something convenient (their line consists entirely of frozen entrées), healthy, and tasty that can be enjoyed by people with gluten issues. Sadly the tasty part isn't really there, but I'm sure they tried.

I am not one of said people who cannot eat gluten. I just happened to stumble across the manicotti while with a friend/co-worker at the local grocery store on our lunch break (yes, I have a real job, *sigh*). This particular store has a decent healthy foods section, including a freezer full of organic and vegetarian dinners, so I thought I might find something yummy and satisfying that would be better for me than the large box of wedge fries (cooked in vegetable oil, don't worry!) that was calling my name from the deli.

TV dinners generally seem pretty much the same to me: a small amount of pasta or rice, some sauce, and some other ingredient to liven things up. Pop that business in the microwave and - *ding!* - five minutes later you have a soggy, lukewarm mush that tastes faintly of cardboard. But I have found some that are at least a little better than others (including Amy's rice bowls, which I will have to review sometime), so I try to keep an open mind. I saw the Eat Italian dinners in the above-noted freezer and asked my friend what he thought. They were expensive (about $7 Canadian), but he agreed that the pictures on the boxes looked nice enough, so we checked to see if any of them were vegetarian. It turned out that three of the five varieties were, so I grabbed the nearest one (the manicotti) and headed to the cash.

Kids, I can't stress strongly enough how very different the actual product was from what I expected. Judging from the picture, I thought I would be getting a couple of thick, creamy, cheese-filled pasta rolls with a few dollops of tomato sauce added for good measure. Maybe this was naïve of me? Je ne sais pas. Before cooking, the stuff did look terrible but I didn't think much of it because most TV dinners are like that. After cooking, however, it looked even worse. I could barely distinguish the pasta rolls from the rest of the glop. The cheesy filling must have splooged out and then lost itself in the tomato sauce. And oh, the tomato sauce! The tomato sauce, the tomato sauce, the tomato sauce. There was just so much of it. It was almost overflowing out of the container. I do not have the steadiest hand in the world and of course ended up with a few orangey-red splatters on my white cotton dress (sidenote - after washing, I think I can still kind of see the splatters... booo). It was the most watery tomato sauce I have ever encountered.

I believe that was the main problem. That damn sauce - which comprised the bulk of the product - was so watery that the whole meal had little to no taste. And what taste it DID have was poo. The pasta (wherever the hell it went to) may as well have been non-existent. And don't even ask about the cheese. I thiiiink it ended up being the grainy little chunks spread out through the tomato-water, but that may have been something else.

Being the deal-seeking girl that I am (hey, those student loans don't pay themselves off!), I was honestly a little pissed that I spent so much on this meal, especially since I gave up trying to eat it about halfway through. I could have gotten three boxes of wedge fries for that price!

Product and nutrition info: http://www.eatitalian.ca/manicotti-instructions.html

Jerky = Bad

A few weekends ago, my boy and I decided to go camping. As a kid, I was in Brownies, Girl Guides, and Pathfinders (though I swear I wasn't a complete social misfit, really! Well, maybe a little bit), so I eventually became a pretty good camper. I know the proper way to build a fire and set up a tent and stay warm and all that jazz. Good lord do I have some camping horror stories though. Let's not get into that right now.

Anyhoo, my parents have a ton of camping equipment and supplies, but I live about six hours away from them now and have next to nothing of my own. Also, living downtown in our nation's capital leaves little opportunity for outdoor adventuring. Soooo Boy and I borrowed what we could from friends and then headed over to our local Mountain Equipment Co-op to purchase any remaining necessities. While perusing the camping foods aisle, he picked up a package of beef jerky for himself. I was jealous and figured I would have to content myself with chewing on a salted pleather handbag, but then saw a vegetarian version next to the beefy stuff! Behold, Tasty Eats Soy Jerky. They had a few different flavours, but I decided to go for the original version. There was a sticker placed on the package that said, "DELICIOUS!". The fact that this was not part of the original packaging should likely have been my first clue that the product might be anything but.

Let me describe my eating experience: Boy and I are at campsite. Both of us feel a bit snack-y, so Boy grabs his jerky and I grab mine. (That didn't sound right, did it. Moving along.) Tear open package. Pry chunk of product off of larger quasi-congealed chunk and stuff into mouth. Chew. Gag. Chew for another two minutes with tears in eyes. Swallow painfully. Listen to Boy laugh as he savours beefy alternative. Hand Boy soy jerky. Boy samples jerky with unremarkable expression on face and proceeds to eat entire package, then says, "It wasn't all that different from mine, really."

So maybe I just never liked any kind of jerky to begin with? I actually can't remember eating the meat kind before. I don't know; the real stuff looked and smelled better than mine did, in my opinion. Apparently the Tasty Eats version is low carb, low fat, and vegan, however. I could see where they were going with the chewy aspect of it, and the flavouring seemed well-intentioned (sort of barbecue-y and partly sweet, partly savoury), but something was just really, really off. I can't help but wonder what they have to do to the soy protein to turn it into this stuff. All pondering aside, I think I would have been better off with my salted handbag.

Product and nutrition info: http://www.tastyeats.com/index.cfm?page=products#original

Corn Dogs = Good

There are a ton of faux-meat products out there. As someone who was an omnivore up to the age of 20, I can't help but miss meat sometimes, and have thus sought animal-friendly alternatives that approximate the real thing as closely as possible. One of these real things (and I suppose I use that term loosely) is the hot dog.

You know, for a product that people say is made of any number of odds and ends (boots, sawdust, rat tails), it is pretty damn hard to find a satisfying veggie equivalent. I have found a brand or two that I don't mind (more on those some other time), but generally you end up with a rubbery pink cylinder. Ack, that doesn't sound so good - not in a food context anyway! I digress.

In my meat-eating days, I may have had a corn dog once or twice. My mother (bless her frugal heart) would have bought Pogos only if they were on a serious sale, which apparently happened once in a blue moon. So I had always built them up in my head as an impossibly delicious, fanciful combination of sweet and salty, meal and dessert, weiner and bun. When I heard that a few vegetarian companies were coming out with their own versions, I was admittedly skeptical but hopeful.

Let me tell you, Morningstar Farms' Veggie Corn Dogs will not disappoint. They looked and smelled great, and after my tentative first bite, I ended up mowing (mawing? maowing?) down and eating a whole box of four. They are that freaking good. The dog itself has no hint of that rubbery-ness or that artificial smoke flavour crap that is infused in so many of its other-branded brethren. The batter is light and fluffy. It comes on a stick. Close your eyes and you will find yourself lost in a carnival fantasy, complete with lights and sounds and rollercoasters, only this time you can line up at the refreshment stand with your omnivorous friends and say, "Me too."

A few cons: They are available only in the US. I had to make a long-ass trip from Ottawa, Ontario to a Target somewhere in upstate New York to find these bad boys. I don't even know if you're allowed to bring food back into Canada from the US, actually. Well, I did it anyway. Also, they aren't exactly cheap. Not like $20 a box or anything (which, pathetically, I might have paid), but I think they were $5-something US for a box of four dogs. Finally, although they are much lower in fat than a meat version, and aren't completely terrible for you, I wouldn't say they're really healthy either, as they don't contain a hell of a lot of nutrients/vitamins/etc. I guess I expected them to be like Yves Veggie Cuisine's products, which are all fortified with B12 and stuff. Meh.

Final verdict! I love these and am already planning another trip across the border for the sole purpose of buying a caseload. Shh, don't tell the government.

Product and nutrition info: http://www.morningstarfarms.com/product_detail.aspx?family=367&id=322